Three Names Back
I figured it’s time to let you in on a bit of the “why” behind the hair adventure we’re having. Why hair? What is it specifically about hair? What “kind of hair”? Is website for “your kind” of hair?
My hair obsession started at a young age. Mainly because my hair was yet another point of difference among my peers. Another point of difference in a mountain of differences. I wanted to look like those peers. I wanted “good hair”. I wasn’t taught to embrace my differences per se. My parents just taught me the necessaries. You’re different (and most importantly) those differences have nothing to do with anything.
Be who you are!
It took me a minute to get hip to that message. But by trial and still many err’s I decided to be the chatty, expressive kid with the wild imagination who laughed with her whole body, was always starting or finishing something with a violent flourish (I have two older brothers), asked way too many questions and brandished thick, unruly “different” hair.
I had a glorious childhood!
My natural disposition wasn’t dampened... too much. I was channeled. My parents attempted to harness the endless energy, direct the unbridled curiosity, exploit my imaginative, expressive and at times endlessly solitary world of play to take every opportunity I could to excel, explore discover and enjoy life. The goal was to get me to perform the best I could so that I would enjoy a world of opportunities only dreamt of.
In 2011, I had one of those “sliding doors” moments, one of those “two roads diverged in a silver wood” moments. I failed the Bar Exam. This was after I had a horrible emergency surgery in Egypt, was emotionally and physically exhausted from years of schooling, financial worry, severe illness and, because I thought I was made of granite, attempted to start up my life in a new country. Sick with grief didn’t begin to describe it. How was I going to tell my family I failed after all the sacrifice. My family was and is working class. My parents and brothers took jobs, extra shifts, extra everything and anything to help me through. I was the best educated in the family, I had the most ambition, I was going to lift us. All of us. (I appointed myself to that position naturally). I was Atlas, Diana, Poseidon! I was pathetic is what I was. I lay face down in a bare bones student apartment in Holland for two weeks weeping, jobless, so lonely, broke and crippled by embarrassment and shame. I called those dearly loved family members and I apologized and apologized, I think I apologized I was born, that I cost so much and was such an abject failure. No consolation could soothe me. I was glad I was so far away. They couldn’t see how pathetic I was. I deserved to sit alone and contemplate how my failure meant I squandered what wasn’t mine to begin with.
After.
After I couldn’t take the body blows leveled at me by me (heavy weight of hate vs heavy weight of hate). I got out of the ring and did what I was trained to do. I asked myself how was I going to turn this situation around and put some other options on the table.
First things first I had to take a shower. I wasn’t supposed to be calling my parents for anything. I was a grown woman in her mid-twenties. A loser, but still. What choice did I have I couldn’t afford conditioner and food. It was that bad.
Options!!! I needed to get my mind out of this hell I was in. I flipped up the laptop and got down the business. After several hours of brainstorming, googling and note taking. I came up with the first name and beginning concept Polish (like nail polish... or as it visually translated on a larger screen like the nationality - oppsey) Engaged again. Things didn’t look so black. So things weren’t going my way, I had another opportunity to make things happen. I was putting down options. It felt good.
Fast forward to today, so many other things happened... like serious things happened... things that broke my heart and my hopes, but I developed a new skill. Today I’m a master at option/opportunity creation.
I passed the Bar Exam and am currently a practicing attorney in the Middle East. I changed the name of this option a total of three times. We are now at Tousled. But three names back... where was I? Surrounded by failure, self loathing and not much else. Tousled represents options for you and me. I know hair can frustrate infuriate, and make mighty strong people hide and engage in some powerfully horrible self judgements like no other. So I’m working on this option for you. Have some fun learn something, help yourself. Don’t do what I did. Don’t get in the ring and cripple and bloody yourself. Certainly not over hair. I hope you’ll enjoy, you’ll smile and laugh and share with others. Because we are all three names back from somewhere.
